Friday, December 21, 2018

Joy and Sorrow

The season of joy is almost upon us. A time of year we spend with family and friends. Fill ourselves with all kinds of cheer. Be it food or the warmth of time spent with people we love.

All the bright lights and festive ornaments decorating homes and yards. Snow covered trees after a fresh snowfall sparkling under the evening sky.

My favorite evenings were the moonlight nights in the country with the moonlight glistening on the frozen snow. Then looking across the fields to the farmhouse covered with Christmas lights. In the main window a sparkling Christmas tree with bows and baubles. You could feel the warmth of the season in the glow that shone through that wonderful window. The sounds of laughter drifting over the fields filling the night air with joy.

I have arrived at a time in my life when the holidays have started bringing me sorrow. I have been trying so hard to find the Christmas spirit. Trying to see the happiness in the season but all I have been feeling is sadness. I guess there is no joy in Joyville this year.

The children are all grown and I do get included but I feel like a fifth wheel at times. They all have their own likes, friends, and ways to welcome in the holidays. There are so many others in their lives, I am not needed anymore.

My family is all gone now. For the first time in a very long time, I feel very alone. I don't have anyone to share my thoughts and dreams with anymore. I do have friends but they have their own stories and new chapters to write. I can see the excitement as they look to their futures and what the joys of their families will bring.

As the 'big' night draws closer, my heart gets heavier. At times, breathing feels hard and harder. I almost feel chocked trying to take a deep breath. Physically I am fine, but emotionally I am at a saddening loss.

I miss the past and the joy the holidays always brought. I miss the excitement that grew in the season and the anticipation of the dawning of Christmas morning with the family. The smiles on everyone's faces and the aromas of those special breakfasts drifting through the home. Bits of merrily colored paper scattered all over this house and laughter filling the air.

With breakfast eaten and the morning dishes drying, my mom would start getting the best meal of the year ready for supper. Most of the things had either been homegrown or homemade. It was a wonderful day.

I remember curling up under the tree and rewatching the best of the Christmas season. I still love watching the old black and white movies with just the colored lights glowing in the background.

There is still a bit of time. I am hoping that I will rediscover the joy of the season. Fingers crossed lol.

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