Saturday, September 15, 2018

Love-Hate

I have discovered that I now have a love-hate relationship with inanimate objects.

The ones I hate are ones I have never really liked but it a part of our everyday lives. You can't go anywhere without them being there. They are in our homes, in your vehicles, in malls and restaurants. At home, over time I have downsized them and only placed them where necessary.

Recently I had to spend time in a hotel room, they are everywhere! In the bathroom, which is common but wall to wall over the counter, they covered the closet doors and then a full length one in the main room. Yuk lol

So, what have I come to hate instead of just dislike - mirrors. As far back as I can remember I have disliked the way I look. Whether it be my weight, my height, my eyes or my hair, I don't like what looks back at me from a mirror. Then there is the old adage that mirrors lie. Does that mean that the image is actually better or worse than what I see? Never did figure that out.

Growing up I was always both taller and bigger than the norm. The charts that created the norm were set by age. Every time I went for a physical I was told I was overweight. It got to the point that I stopped caring and started eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I stopped most physical activity. I didn't see the point as no matter what I had done in the past I was always told I failed.

Recently I made some changes to my diet and I'm trying to get my activity level back up. I bought a bathroom scale and then started actually stepping on it. All the articles I read said to always use the same scale to track your weight.

My scale has now become my friend. I have started to look forward to my check-in with it. The numbers have gone down, not always, but mostly. So, it has become the inanimate object I love.

While I was at the hotel I could not help seeing my reflection in the overabundance of mirrors. I do not like what I saw. I am feeling better every day but my shape still upsets me. I can home and checked in with my scale. Numbers went down again, which was good. I need to reshape me so I can stop avoiding mirrors and cameras. Pictures are also on my 'no' list lol.

Tuesday, September 04, 2018

Vacation Over

Okay, so vacation might not be the right word. I didn't go any place but after a couple of conversations with a friend, I was convinced that I needed a break from .. well .. me.

Through the years my view on people, in general, has become 'jaded'. I was always looking for the darkness, the lies. Yes, I guess cynical would be the correct word. My trust has been betrayed too many times to count. It became easier to get through days expecting the worst, anticipating the worst, and not being surprised when it arrived.

I kept as much of this as I could inside but some days it leaked out. I fear I have passed on my cynicism to my children. Somedays I was seeing it in them. That always bothered me and I tried to change my views. I think that would work, for a while but then the darkness would come back.

So, for a few weeks, I threw caution to the wind and opened myself to accepting what I saw, heard and/or read at face value. Accepting what I was told as the truth, no matter what. I did learn the meaning of seeing things through 'rose-colored glasses'.

I was open to new forms of making friends, meeting people in different ways. I even accepted 'friend' requests over a chat platform or two. I made myself believe what I was told, accept it at face value.

It was fun for a while, but my mind started peaking around the glasses. "Hey, wait a sec, they said this the other day" thoughts. I tried to brush it off, blamed it on a faulty memory. Well, I was told for years that I had a bad memory. That what I was sure I remembered was wrong. I let things continue but then there came a point when I couldn't ignore my instincts.

I did some research and re-read logs, that I always keep. My instincts were right. LOL people who lie need to keep notes so they can keep their stories straight. In just a week their place of birth changed from one country to another. Height was a zigzag. I could go on but needless to say, truth and honesty don't seem to exist.

It was an interesting 'vacation' that I am glad I took but, very happy to be back from :)

I learned that my cynicism and skepticism are useful parts of who I am. Also, that maybe I should tone it down because I did meet a few new friends. So I will try to remain more open and tolerant. To look at things with an open mind and stop always searching for the lies.

Maybe my world got a little brighter, or at least bigger :)

Have a good day. Smile at a stranger. Try for happy instead of just alive.