Friday, December 21, 2018

Joy and Sorrow

The season of joy is almost upon us. A time of year we spend with family and friends. Fill ourselves with all kinds of cheer. Be it food or the warmth of time spent with people we love.

All the bright lights and festive ornaments decorating homes and yards. Snow covered trees after a fresh snowfall sparkling under the evening sky.

My favorite evenings were the moonlight nights in the country with the moonlight glistening on the frozen snow. Then looking across the fields to the farmhouse covered with Christmas lights. In the main window a sparkling Christmas tree with bows and baubles. You could feel the warmth of the season in the glow that shone through that wonderful window. The sounds of laughter drifting over the fields filling the night air with joy.

I have arrived at a time in my life when the holidays have started bringing me sorrow. I have been trying so hard to find the Christmas spirit. Trying to see the happiness in the season but all I have been feeling is sadness. I guess there is no joy in Joyville this year.

The children are all grown and I do get included but I feel like a fifth wheel at times. They all have their own likes, friends, and ways to welcome in the holidays. There are so many others in their lives, I am not needed anymore.

My family is all gone now. For the first time in a very long time, I feel very alone. I don't have anyone to share my thoughts and dreams with anymore. I do have friends but they have their own stories and new chapters to write. I can see the excitement as they look to their futures and what the joys of their families will bring.

As the 'big' night draws closer, my heart gets heavier. At times, breathing feels hard and harder. I almost feel chocked trying to take a deep breath. Physically I am fine, but emotionally I am at a saddening loss.

I miss the past and the joy the holidays always brought. I miss the excitement that grew in the season and the anticipation of the dawning of Christmas morning with the family. The smiles on everyone's faces and the aromas of those special breakfasts drifting through the home. Bits of merrily colored paper scattered all over this house and laughter filling the air.

With breakfast eaten and the morning dishes drying, my mom would start getting the best meal of the year ready for supper. Most of the things had either been homegrown or homemade. It was a wonderful day.

I remember curling up under the tree and rewatching the best of the Christmas season. I still love watching the old black and white movies with just the colored lights glowing in the background.

There is still a bit of time. I am hoping that I will rediscover the joy of the season. Fingers crossed lol.

Tuesday, November 27, 2018


I have always enjoyed listening to music or at least having it playing in the background.

It is great to just have something in the background to blank out the nothingness of a quiet house. Or to drown out the sounds of city traffic. A familiar sound that wraps you into its warm embrace, evokes memories of the past or transports you to another time.

Recently I have had a music player as a companion most of my days. I don't necessarily listen to each note or lyric but it is there just waiting for me to pay attention again. Granted some of the playlists might even scare my children with their volume or orchestral content. I have several playlists that I have either created or found. They span the spectrum of genres and time.

Every now and again a lyric catches my attention. I am drawn to the time when I first heard it and what was happening in my small corner of the world. I will hear a phrase and am transported to a different time and place. A memory of my past.

I have had a tough few weeks and have had to respite of music-induced memories to help me through the worst of times.

Do you remember the song that was playing when you started high school? How about the song you first danced to? What about when you had your first kiss? The last song that played at your prom? When your spouse agreed to marry you? Was there a song on the radio when you found out you were going to have a family?

Without even trying I'll bet you heard a song or two in your mind when you read the above questions. I have always had music playing. It was a companion when I was alone or with a group of people. It filled the void that life sometimes creates. Not having it would be like losing a part of who I am.

Have you ever thought about the sounds that surround you daily, are they a part of you or just the noise of the world.

I have been transported to almost every part of my journey to becoming me in the past few weeks. It has been a wonderful trip filled with almost every emotion a person can feel but it has made me stronger and happier. Thank you to every artist that has ever created a lyric or keyed notes on a piano or strummed a tune on a guitar. You have been my companion and will continue to be for as long as I can hear.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

SC Day

Today is a great day. I don't have to work today. I don't have a care in the world today. I don't have to answer to anyone. It is a rare day.

So what do you do with a day without demands?  There is a new term I've been hearing - a day of self-care. I have wondered what my day would be like. Today will be my day to find out. Mainly cause I have no idea when a day like today will come again.

Going back to bed for a while after the dogs were out was my start. Going for a drive to nowhere. A strange thing - window shopping for myself. I usually shop for others or for things needed around the house. Did you know that there were stores filled with pretty things just for women? Jewelry stores filled with beautiful things just to wear for adornment that doesn't have to represent anything. I thought about maybe going to a hairdresser but there wasn't an appointment to be had LOL 

Lunch was treat time. Does chocolate cake count as a meal? It was fun to just have sweets without worrying about calories or someone else's judgment.  I might be too full for supper.

The afternoon will consist of laying around with a big bowl of popcorn and old movies. Sweatpants and an old, worn out t-shirt is the 'uniform' of the day.

Currently, the house is full of music, an eclectic mix of old rock, country and upbeat dance. Not sure anyone would want to listen to it but I am having fun dancing around.

Next time I will plan for my self-care day. Suggestions??

Friday, October 26, 2018


Have you ever wondered where we, as a society, will be in ten years, or even five years.

I have the opportunity to be out an about a lot through my job and just going to the mall. I have always people watched, not due to any malicious or nefarious intent, I just find the world around me interesting. During the course of the day, I hear the most interesting chatter and complaints.

With what I see and hear I have come to the conclusion that we are doomed LOL. Most young adults can't seem to make logical leaps, or they don't want to open their eyes to a bigger picture. They seem overly concerned with themselves. How things affect just them, never mind their friends or co-workers.

Recently I had the displeasure of being party to a long-winded rant regarding not being personally informed of a time change for their work to start. The young man in question thought his boss should have texted him personally of the change. He didn't think it was his responsibility to double check his own work schedule. As the meet time had changed and he showed up at the previous meet time, he felt it was his right to get paid for the minimum work hours for the day, even though he couldn't be bothered to show up on time. It was someone else's fault, not his.

So let's look at this. He probably works with four or five other people. That, theoretically, would be only one of several crews working in a given day. Let's say there are five crews of five. Now that adds up to around twenty-five people to arrange work for. Add to this the task of texting each of them if there is a change in the original plan. Actually inviting them to show up and do the job they are being paid for. How many companies do you think would survive this extra strain being placed on their management? Not too many, unless they had a stockpile of managers.

I don't comprehend the difficulty in verifying start times the day before. It would be the same as making sure your clothes and anything else you require is ready to go. You can't assume that there will never be changes, life is full of changes!

I am sure if the schedule suddenly was empty for the next day, or next week, this individual would be looking at every place possible to find work to do. Perhaps double and even triple checking his schedule to see if there was anything added. He would also be the first to bemoan his employer for lack of pay at the end of the week.

If this is an example of what our society has become, we really are doomed.

Tuesday, October 02, 2018

Riddle Me This

What is it to be happy?

We hear the question all the time, are you happy? Have you ever thought about what is being happy?

Recently a friend was told that she is never happy, that she is doesn't know how to be happy, and that she is just getting through life. I really thought that was harsh and set out a find a way to help.

I thought the easiest way was to start was to define 'happy'. Well, after a few days, I realized that the word happy actually has no meaning except as a descriptive. It's a word we associate with joy or contentment. I looked up 'happy' in several dictionaries. It is an adjective, so not a descriptive at all.

Over my search, the best definition I found was "feeling or showing pleasure or contentment". Then I thought I would look up happiness, which is a noun defined as "the state of being happy". Back to the word 'happy', which doesn't mean anything ??

We might as well use the word 'bubble' in its place. But the word bubble actually means something lol.

I still don't know what 'happy' is supposed to mean. So, telling someone that they don't know how to be happy is a meaningless statement. It seems its only purpose was to cause more discomfort into a life that was already looking for purpose and stability.

The next time someone asks 'are you happy?', ask them what they mean by the question and walk away. If you can smile, once, during your day, consider it a win.

Saturday, September 15, 2018


I have discovered that I now have a love-hate relationship with inanimate objects.

The ones I hate are ones I have never really liked but it a part of our everyday lives. You can't go anywhere without them being there. They are in our homes, in your vehicles, in malls and restaurants. At home, over time I have downsized them and only placed them where necessary.

Recently I had to spend time in a hotel room, they are everywhere! In the bathroom, which is common but wall to wall over the counter, they covered the closet doors and then a full length one in the main room. Yuk lol

So, what have I come to hate instead of just dislike - mirrors. As far back as I can remember I have disliked the way I look. Whether it be my weight, my height, my eyes or my hair, I don't like what looks back at me from a mirror. Then there is the old adage that mirrors lie. Does that mean that the image is actually better or worse than what I see? Never did figure that out.

Growing up I was always both taller and bigger than the norm. The charts that created the norm were set by age. Every time I went for a physical I was told I was overweight. It got to the point that I stopped caring and started eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I stopped most physical activity. I didn't see the point as no matter what I had done in the past I was always told I failed.

Recently I made some changes to my diet and I'm trying to get my activity level back up. I bought a bathroom scale and then started actually stepping on it. All the articles I read said to always use the same scale to track your weight.

My scale has now become my friend. I have started to look forward to my check-in with it. The numbers have gone down, not always, but mostly. So, it has become the inanimate object I love.

While I was at the hotel I could not help seeing my reflection in the overabundance of mirrors. I do not like what I saw. I am feeling better every day but my shape still upsets me. I can home and checked in with my scale. Numbers went down again, which was good. I need to reshape me so I can stop avoiding mirrors and cameras. Pictures are also on my 'no' list lol.

Tuesday, September 04, 2018

Vacation Over

Okay, so vacation might not be the right word. I didn't go any place but after a couple of conversations with a friend, I was convinced that I needed a break from .. well .. me.

Through the years my view on people, in general, has become 'jaded'. I was always looking for the darkness, the lies. Yes, I guess cynical would be the correct word. My trust has been betrayed too many times to count. It became easier to get through days expecting the worst, anticipating the worst, and not being surprised when it arrived.

I kept as much of this as I could inside but some days it leaked out. I fear I have passed on my cynicism to my children. Somedays I was seeing it in them. That always bothered me and I tried to change my views. I think that would work, for a while but then the darkness would come back.

So, for a few weeks, I threw caution to the wind and opened myself to accepting what I saw, heard and/or read at face value. Accepting what I was told as the truth, no matter what. I did learn the meaning of seeing things through 'rose-colored glasses'.

I was open to new forms of making friends, meeting people in different ways. I even accepted 'friend' requests over a chat platform or two. I made myself believe what I was told, accept it at face value.

It was fun for a while, but my mind started peaking around the glasses. "Hey, wait a sec, they said this the other day" thoughts. I tried to brush it off, blamed it on a faulty memory. Well, I was told for years that I had a bad memory. That what I was sure I remembered was wrong. I let things continue but then there came a point when I couldn't ignore my instincts.

I did some research and re-read logs, that I always keep. My instincts were right. LOL people who lie need to keep notes so they can keep their stories straight. In just a week their place of birth changed from one country to another. Height was a zigzag. I could go on but needless to say, truth and honesty don't seem to exist.

It was an interesting 'vacation' that I am glad I took but, very happy to be back from :)

I learned that my cynicism and skepticism are useful parts of who I am. Also, that maybe I should tone it down because I did meet a few new friends. So I will try to remain more open and tolerant. To look at things with an open mind and stop always searching for the lies.

Maybe my world got a little brighter, or at least bigger :)

Have a good day. Smile at a stranger. Try for happy instead of just alive.